“It is important to feel the anger without judging it, without attempting to find meaning in it. It may take many forms: anger at the health-care system, at life, at your loved one for leaving. Life is unfair. Death is unfair. Anger is a natural reaction to the unfairness of loss.”
~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Anger is an emotion that has received a lot of bad press. Most often what we experience is people inflicting their anger onto others. When you’re angry, it’s easy to lash out on your loved ones and those who least deserve it.
Because of its destructive potential, many people are afraid of anger. When this is the case, anger is often denied and left unexpressed. You may have been conditioned to shove it down because you were told that showing anger is unsuitable and unstable. However, bottled up anger left unexpressed can be a slippery, dangerous slope. It can lead to disease in the body when turned inward.
If you were raised by an angry parent and suffered the pain and trauma of abuse, this often leads to the belief that anger is not a safe emotion to be around. Being around angry people can cause you to dissociate or otherwise flee the scene, even when you are an adult and are not really in any danger.
There is absolutely no shame in feeling angry. When losing a loved one especially, expressing anger can be one of the most powerful and healing ways to grieve. Anger comes forward when we are deeply hurt and something we value has been taken away.
When you are in pain, the anger you feel – while it can feel unacceptable and even scary – usually has a message for you, if you are able to listen to it. Often these messages are to let you know that a boundary has been violated, or a closely held value has been challenged. It wants to get your attention so you can take corrective action of some kind.
I know for myself that my own anger, when unleashed unconsciously, makes me feel out of control, bad, and wrong. I usually feel ashamed of myself after an angry outburst. This is because I am still learning to love my anger, rather than judging it and banishing it.
There are situations and circumstances when anger is completely understandable and its energy can be channeled in positive ways. It’s the act of dumping my anger on someone else which causes me regret. I don’t feel like myself when I’m angry. AND it is part of my humanness. There is nothing wrong with anger. It’s just energy and it does want to be expressed.
Here’s what I know to be true about feelings. All your feelings are 100% valid. Feelings want to be heard, not told to shut up. There’s nothing more annoying to a feeling than someone trying to fix it, marginalize it, or get rid of it. Feelings don’t go away just because we don’t love them. They go into the unconscious where they can truly become destructive and dangerous.
While experiencing feelings of anger can be scary, there are healthy ways of discharging that energy when you feel it present. These are some of my tried and true, favorite practices that help me to slow down and be with the anger so that I can pay attention to the message it has for me. The first step is to accept that you’re angry.
Have a Safe Space. If an altercation with someone has made you angry, kindly remove yourself from that situation right away. You’ll want to find a quiet, safe space where you can process the emotion alone and allow yourself to let go and say every mean thing you are thinking.
Get in Touch With It. Where do you feel the anger in your body? What is your body telling you right now? Are you fuming? Does your voice feel suppressed? Are you shaking? Check in with yourself and ask “what form of expression would serve me best right now?”
Get Out a Pillow. Pillows are a great support to physically release anger. They can be punched over and over and screamed into, or used to whack the bed. This is an opportunity to really use your voice. Remember, in your safe space you can yell and say whatever is coming forward for you, no matter how bad it may seem.
Grab a Sheet of Paper and a Pen. Free-form writing is such a powerful tool to support you in releasing energy. Write anything that comes to mind. Don’t think, just write. This is not something you’ll re-read so it doesn’t have to make sense. Write for as long as you like, and when you feel the energy release, safely burn the paper.
Clear the Energy. Check in with yourself and ask “what’s present now?” If you’re still experiencing angry energy, try #3 and #4 again. If you are feeling the anger lifting, clear yourself and your space of the energy you are releasing. Meditate, use sacred smoke like sage and palo santo, or light a candle with the intention of lovingly releasing your anger into the flame.
Working with yourself before talking with others about your anger is a healthy and safe way to shift into a state of neutrality and uncover the underlying feelings that are waiting to be expressed. It’s how you take responsibility for your feelings and don’t try to make someone else to blame for them. Make it a point to NOT get into a discussion with someone if you are angry. It will not turn out the way you want.
Often when we feel angry it is because he are hurt and feel unloved or unlovable. Sadness is the emotion that can be even more difficult to acknowledge and accept, so if you find yourself in the hurt, make it ok and be loving and compassionate with yourself while you cry your tears.
Remember that there is nothing wrong with you for expressing your feelings, and that your anger can be harnessed for good, which is important for your journey of healing.
Practice these steps any time there’s anger present, and you may just be able to treat your anger as an honored guest, as a friend who wants to help you.
Blessings of Loving and Compassion,
